A Look at the Obligations upon the Husband and Those Upon the Wife

As for the man, he must maintain justice and good character in twelve issues.

• Al-Waleema. The marriage celebration/feast. This is a strong sunnah and something desireable in Islam.
• Good character with his wife and patience with her irritations due to her weaknesses. The Prophet (sas) said:

البخاري

اسْتَوْصُوا بِالنِّسَاءِ فَإِنَّ الْمَرْأَةَ خُلِقَتْ مِنْ ضِلَعٍ وَإِنَّ أَعْوَجَ شَيْءٍ فِي الضِّلَعِ أَعْلَاهُ فَإِنْ ذَهَبْتَ تُقِيمُهُ كَسَرْتَهُ وَإِنْ تَرَكْتَهُ لَمْ يَزَلْ أَعْوَجَ فَاسْتَوْصُوا بِالنِّسَاءِ

Take care with regard to women. Verily, the woman was created from a rib and the most crooked part of the rib is the top. So, if you insist on straightening it you will only break it and if you leave it, it will remain crooked. So take care with regard to women.

مسلم

عَنْ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ قَالَ لَمْ أَزَلْ حَرِيصًا أَنْ أَسْأَلَ عُمَرَ عَنْ الْمَرْأَتَيْنِ مِنْ أَزْوَاجِ النَّبِيِّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ اللَّتَيْنِ قَالَ اللَّهُ تَعَالَى إِنْ تَتُوبَا إِلَى اللَّهِ فَقَدْ صَغَتْ قُلُوبُكُمَا ... قَالَ هِيَ حَفْصَةُ وَعَائِشَةُ ثُمَّ أَخَذَ يَسُوقُ الْحَدِيثَ قَالَ كُنَّا مَعْشَرَ قُرَيْشٍ قَوْمًا نَغْلِبُ النِّسَاءَ فَلَمَّا قَدِمْنَا الْمَدِينَةَ وَجَدْنَا قَوْمًا تَغْلِبُهُمْ نِسَاؤُهُمْ فَطَفِقَ نِسَاؤُنَا يَتَعَلَّمْنَ مِنْ نِسَائِهِمْ ... فَتَغَضَّبْتُ يَوْمًا عَلَى امْرَأَتِي فَإِذَا هِيَ تُرَاجِعُنِي فَأَنْكَرْتُ أَنْ تُرَاجِعَنِي فَقَالَتْ مَا تُنْكِرُ أَنْ أُرَاجِعَكَ فَوَاللَّهِ إِنَّ أَزْوَاجَ النَّبِيِّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ لَيُرَاجِعْنَهُ وَتَهْجُرُهُ إِحْدَاهُنَّ الْيَوْمَ إِلَى اللَّيْلِ فَانْطَلَقْتُ فَدَخَلْتُ عَلَى حَفْصَةَ فَقُلْتُ أَتُرَاجِعِينَ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ فَقَالَتْ نَعَمْ فَقُلْتُ أَتَهْجُرُهُ إِحْدَاكُنَّ الْيَوْمَ إِلَى اللَّيْلِ قَالَتْ نَعَمْ قُلْتُ قَدْ خَابَ مَنْ فَعَلَ ذَلِكَ مِنْكُنَّ وَخَسِرَ أَفَتَأْمَنُ إِحْدَاكُنَّ أَنْ يَغْضَبَ اللَّهُ عَلَيْهَا لِغَضَبِ رَسُولِهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ فَإِذَا هِيَ قَدْ هَلَكَتْ لَا تُرَاجِعِي رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ وَلَا تَسْأَلِيهِ شَيْئًا وَسَلِينِي مَا بَدَا لَكِ وَلَا يَغُرَّنَّكِ أَنْ كَانَتْ جَارَتُكِ هِيَ أَوْسَمَ وَأَحَبَّ إِلَى رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ مِنْكِ يُرِيدُ عَائِشَةَ

From Ibn Abbas who said, "I wanted for a long time to ask Umar regarding the two wives of the Prophet (sas) about whom Allah said {If you [two] repent to Allah, your hearts are indeed so inclined...}" ... he said,"They are Hafsa and Aisha", then he told the stories saying: "We people of Quraish were a people who controlled our women. But when we came to Al-Madinah we found a people controlled by their women. Our wives began to learn from them. One day I bacame angry with my wife and she begain arguing with me. I criticized her for this arguing of hers and she said, Do you condemn me for arguing with you? For by Allah the wives of the Prophet (sas) argue with him and one of them may boycott him (sas) the whole day until the night. So I set out and went to Hafsa's house and said to her, "Is it true that you argue with Allah's Messenger (sas)?" She said, "Yes." I said, "Is it true that one of you may boycott him for the whole day until the night?"  She said, "Yes." I said, "She is surely in shame who does that among you and in loss. Does one of you feel safe from Allah's anger upon her for the anger of His Messenger. What if she were to die [in that state]? Do not argue with Allah's Messenger (sas) and do not ask him for anything. Rather, ask me for anything that occurs to you and do not be misled by the fact that your neighbor may be more pleasing to and more loved by Allah's Messenger (sas) than you. (He means Aisha).

• To be friendly with one's spouse including playing around with them and joking with them.  Allah's Messenger (sas) had a foot-race with Aisha on more than one occasion and he used to joke with his wives.  He said to Jabir upon hearing that he had married a mature woman (because he had been left with nine sisters as orphans):

... هلا بكرا تلاعبها وتلاعبك ..

"... Choose a [young] virgin that she may play with you and you with her..."

• That the husband be moderate in such matters avoiding both being stern and unfriendly but also avoiding being so "loose" as to fall short in his obligations as head and leader of the family or to lose respect as such.
• Moderation with regard to jealousy such that he does not become unmindful of basic principles and the dangers of temptation but also not to go to extremes in suspicion and thinking evil of his mate.

البخاري

إِذَا أَطَالَ أَحَدُكُمْ الْغَيْبَةَ فَلَا يَطْرُقْ أَهْلَهُ لَيْلًا

"If you stay away for an extended period, do not return to your family at night."

• Moderation with regard to expenses and spending on his family. He should avoid both extremes of israaf (excess) and taqteer (miserliness).
• The husband should study and learn all of the rulings of the Shari'a having to do with marriage, married life and women's periods. He should make sure his wife knows all that she needs to know in this regard and remove any innovations or deviant beliefs or practices that she may have. He should teach her what she needs to know about her monthly periods such as that if it ends one rakaat (of time) before Maghrib that she must make dhuhr and asr and if it ends one rakaat before fajr that she should pay back maghrib and isha. It is rare for women to take care of such rulings.
• If he has more than one wife, he must do justice between them. The justice which is required is in nights spent with each and what is spent on or given to each. Equality with regard to love, affection, etc. is NOT required of the husband for that is not within his control. If he is going on a trip and wishes to take one with him, he can "draw straws" to decide which one.

أبو داود

مَنْ كَانَتْ لَهُ امْرَأَتَانِ فَمَالَ إِلَى إِحْدَاهُمَا جَاءَ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ وَشِقُّهُ مَائِلٌ

"Whoever has two wives and favors one of them will come on Qiyama with half is body twisted (or out of line)."

الترمذي

عَنْ عَائِشَةَ أَنَّ النَّبِيَّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ كَانَ يَقْسِمُ بَيْنَ نِسَائِهِ فَيَعْدِلُ وَيَقُولُ اللَّهُمَّ هَذِهِ قِسْمَتِي فِيمَا أَمْلِكُ فَلَا تَلُمْنِي فِيمَا تَمْلِكُ وَلَا أَمْلِكُ .

From Aisha (ra) that the Prophet (sas) used to divide between his wives and was just between them and he (sas) said: "O Allah, this is my division in that which I control  (or "own") so do not blame me regarding that which you control and I do not control."

• Nushooz (rebellion or turning away). If nushooz originates from the woman, the husband can reprimand her and require her to return to obedience. However, he must move slowly and in steps only after being sure with himself that it is not he himself who has transgressed bounds and become the cause of her misbehavior. If he is certain of this, then he should begin with only reminders and good words with guidance from the Qur'an and the Sunnah. Only if this is of no avail should he escalate to the other measures such as sleeping separately, boycotting (no more than three days), etc.
• Etiquettes of having children:
• Never rejoice at getting a boy or a girl instead of the other one. You have no way of knowing in which Allah may place the greatest good.
• Pronounce the adhan in the babies right ear and the iqama in its left right after it is born.
• Give them a good name. The sunnah is that an individual has only a single name. The rest of his name consists of his father's name which may be followed by his grandfather's name and then by the family or clan name. Nothing but the first name should ever be changed. If the name has a bad meaning such as "Abdush-Shams" (slave of the sun), it should be changed, but ONLY if it is the individual's FIRST name. The Prophet (sas) changed the names of several of the sahaba because of their negative meanings, but there was never any case where the father's name was omitted or changed even where it has a completely reprehensible meaning.  Harb ibn Abdush-Shams was one such case.  His name became Abdur-Rahman ibn Abdush-Shams.
• Al-Aqeeqah. Sacrifice two lambs for a boy and one lamb for a girl. Prepare the food and invide the Muslims to eat.
• At-Tahneek. Place some mashed date or other sweet item on the roof of the baby's mouth and moving it around with the finger to stimluate eating and make du'a for the baby. This is at 7 days, the same time as the Aqeeqah.

البخاري

عَنْ أَسْمَاءَ رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهَا أَنَّهَا حَمَلَتْ بِعَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ الزُّبَيْرِ قَالَتْ فَخَرَجْتُ وَأَنَا مُتِمٌّ فَأَتَيْتُ الْمَدِينَةَ فَنَزَلْتُ بِقُبَاءٍ فَوَلَدْتُهُ بِقُبَاءٍ ثُمَّ أَتَيْتُ بِهِ النَّبِيَّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ فَوَضَعْتُهُ فِي حَجْرِهِ ثُمَّ دَعَا بِتَمْرَةٍ فَمَضَغَهَا ثُمَّ تَفَلَ فِي فِيهِ فَكَانَ أَوَّلَ شَيْءٍ دَخَلَ جَوْفَهُ رِيقُ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ ثُمَّ حَنَّكَهُ بِتَمْرَةٍ ثُمَّ دَعَا لَهُ وَبَرَّكَ عَلَيْهِ وَكَانَ أَوَّلَ مَوْلُودٍ وُلِدَ فِي الْإِسْلَامِ

From Asmaa (ra) I became pregnant from Abdullah ibn Az-Zubair. I left when nearing full term and went to Al-Madinah. After arriving at Quba, I gave birth there. I brought him to the Prophet (sas) and put him on his (sas) lap. He (sas) called for some dates, chewed them and then put them from his (sas) mouth to the baby's mouth. So, the first thing to enter his stomach was the saliva of Allah's Messenger (sas). Then he did the tahneek with dates, made du'a for him and asked for blessings upon him. That was the first baby born in Islam.  (i.e., in Al-Madinah and among the Muhaajireen.)

• Circumcision of boys.
• Divorce. Divorce is allowed in Islam but not encourage nor to be taken lightly. Divorce is the sole perogative of the man. If a woman desires to end the marriage but the man is unwilling to do so, she must resort to khul'a before the imam or a qadhi. A man should not surprise his wife with a divorce without any misdeed on her part. It is not allowed for the woman to force her husband to divorce without any misdeed or corruption on his part.

الترمذي

عَنْ ثَوْبَانَ أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ أَيُّمَا امْرَأَةٍ سَأَلَتْ زَوْجَهَا طَلَاقًا مِنْ غَيْرِ بَأْسٍ فَحَرَامٌ عَلَيْهَا رَائِحَةُ الْجَنَّةِ .

From Thaubaan that Allah's Messenger (sas) said: "Any woman who asks her husband for divorce without any wrongdoing, forbidden to her is even the scent of Paradise." (This hadith is authentic.)

 

• If he must divorce, he must adhere to the following:
• He must divorce her after her period is complete and before they have been together.
• He should pronounce only one divorce and take advantage of the period of ruj'a during which he can easily reverse his decision.
• To be easygoing and generous during the process, as Allah said {... or separate from them in a goodly manner...}. It is narrated that Al-Hassan ibn Ali (may Allah be pleased with them both) divorced his wife and sent ten thousand dirhams to her. Upon receiving them, she said, "A small provision from a departing lover."
• Do not disclose any of her secrets to anyone else.

مسلم

إِنَّ مِنْ أَشَرِّ النَّاسِ عِنْدَ اللَّهِ مَنْزِلَةً يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ الرَّجُلَ يُفْضِي إِلَى امْرَأَتِهِ وَتُفْضِي إِلَيْهِ ثُمَّ يَنْشُرُ سِرَّهَا

"Among the most evil people before Allah on Qiyama is a man who shares intimacy with his wife and she with him and then he exposes her secrets."

It is reported from some of the early generations that a man wanted to divorce his wife. It was said to him: "What is the problem with her?"  He said, "An intelligent man does not violate secrets." After he had divorced her, they asked him, "Why did you divorce her?" He answered, "What business have I with another's woman?".