When a wife is in a state of nushooz, the husband can address it with the following three steps:
What follows is a detailed discussion of each of these three steps.
The first thing a husband should do when his wife commits nushooz or the steps that lead to it is to attempt to warn her verbally, using Qur'an and Sunnah to remind her of her duties toward Allah and toward her husband. Allah said:
{Wa allaatiy takhaafoona nushoozahunna fa'idhoohunna...}
{As to those women from whom you see ill-conduct, admonish them...} An-Nisaa:34
Admonition is a cure that is gentle and mild. Its goal is to replace estrangement and rebellion with love, compassion and togetherness in obedience to Allah Most High. All of the scholars early and late have agreed that this admonition is only as long as it is in agreement with the Shari'a. Otherwise, the husband has no such right according to the principle: "There is no obedience to the created if it involves disobedience to the Creator." (sahih hadith). Here are some of the scholars' definitions of this admonition (mau'idha):
"Advising and reminding one of the outcome of ones actions."
"Reminding humans in a way that softens their hearts by reminding them of the rewards or punishments."
"The husband makes her fear Allah Most High. He reminds her of what Allah has obligated upon her concerning his rights and obedience. She is to bo told the results of her sin and disobedience and how she then forfeits her rights of maintenance and cloting. And she is to be told of how that permits him to strike her and boycott her."
From the sunnah, it is narrated that the Prophet (sas) said:
"If you fear nushooz on their part, then advise them, boycott them in their beds and strike them in a way which is not injurious..." Musnad Ahmad
The Companions, the Followers and all who came after them to this day agree that this admonition is legally sanctioned when a wife commits nushooz. No one has ever rejected that and it is a point of consensus.
Sometimes verbal admonition by have no effect on ending her state of estrangement and disobedience. I fact, it may increase her obstinance due to some emotion that has overtaken her, a defiant reaction or perhaps she has been deceived by position, wealth or beauty to consider herself better than her husband. The husband may be partly to blame for this if he allowed his own emotions to interfere with admonishing his wife in the best way. In any case, the next step in trying to end her recalcitrance is boycotting her and avoiding her "in the bed".
Linguistically, this "boycotting" (al-hajr) is defined as "avoiding, cutting off and not having contact with the one who is being boycotted." Allah recommends this using the additional phrase: "in sleeping places" (fiy al-madhaaji'). This could mean either avoiding her entirely and sleeping somewhere else or it could mean sleeping in the same bed but keeping away from her and not speaking, etc.
The Qur'an, the Sunnah, consensus of the scholars and sound reason indicate it permissibility and it being one of the means of disciplining the estranged wife when verbal admonition brings about no positive result. Allah said:
{...Wahjuroohunna fiy al-madhaaji'...}
{...And avoid them in sleeping places...} An-Nisaa:34
Imam Ahmad records in his Musnad that the Prophet (sas) separated from his wives for a month. (Although this was NOT for reasons of nushooz, it nonetheless shows the permissibility of the act.) The jurists have agreed that it is permissible if it leads to the woman correcting her ways and returning to proper guidance. It is a method which is effective with a woman who loves her husband.
The verse in Sura An-Nisaa is ambiguous as to whether it means to avoid the bed and the bedroom entirely and sleep somewhere else or whether it means to avoid them IN the bed. That latter method is preferable because it avoids making the existence of the problem known to children and other family members and because there is a more positive atmosphere for actual reconciliation.
The boycotting may include boycotting her in speech, but that should not last more than three days according to the hadith in Sahih Muslim: "It is not permissible for a Muslim to boycott his fellow Muslim for more than three nights."
As for boycotting her in the bed, this can continue for as long as he believes it may still lead to her stopping her acts of nushooz but in no case exceeding four months. This is the strongest opinion among the statements of the scholars. It is based on the time limit which Allah placed on al-eelaa' - where a man takes an oath to cut of relations with his wife. In the jahiliya, there was no limit on this, so a spiteful man could leave his wife "hanging", having no relations with him but not divorced for as long as he wished. Allah limited this to four months, saying:
{Lil alladhini yu'loona min nisaa'ihim tarabbusu arba'ati ash-hurin fa in faa'oo fa inna Allaha samee'un 'aleemun.}
{And for those who cuts off relations with his wife is a waiting period of four months. Then, if he returns, surely Allah is Hearing, Knowing.} Al-Baqarah:226
The wife who does not mend her ways after four months of boycotting is not and will not mend her ways. She is deserving of divorce and there is not need to continue this "suspended" situation any further. This is because her continual estrangement and non-cooperation even though she knows full well that it will end in divorce shows clearly that she has no willingness to respond to the action which is taking place and return to a proper Islamic marriage. At the very least, it can be said that she will not be able to live with that husband in a pleasant and proper manner.
In some cases the solution to the problem may require some harshness and toughness. This is because there are some people who cannot be set straight when they go wrong by good behavior and soft advice alone. Kindness and softness just make such people more arrogant and ignorant. Some such people, if met with toughness, respond by cooling down and ending their defiance. Generally speaking, it is not recommended for a husband to ever strike his wife and it is narrated that the Prophet (sas) said about those who do so that "they are not the best of you".
However, in some cases resorting to harshness including striking may be a beneficial cure which in fact returns the partners back together in love and compassion. In these cases, it can be a positive cure and a spiritual discipline. It is not meant for revenge or punishement. Whoever does it in such a manner is committing a sin and transgressing against his wife. Instead, it is meant to restore what has become improper and bring the disruption to an end. Although it is a bitter medicine, in many cases it may be less harmful to all involved than the destruction of the foundation of the family.
Islam has provided remedies for cases when nushooz is from the husband in ways consistent with both her feelings and sensitivities as a woman and their respective roles, rights and obligations as husband and wife. She can look for the reasons for his behavior and admonish him with Islam in an attempt to make things right between theml. However, Islam has not given her the right to address this problem by boycotting him or beating him as has been given to the husband. This is because her nature is different from that of the man and because she does not have the same kind of power and authority in the marriage as he has.
She should use some or all of the following steps:
{Wa in imra'tun khaafat min ba'lihaa nushoozan au i'raadhan fa laa junaaha 'alaihimaa an yuslihaa bainahumaa sulhan wa as-sulhu khairun...}
{And if a woman fears cruelty or desertion on her husband's part there is no sin upon the two of them if they make terms of agreement and agreement is better...} An-Nisaa:128
If it becomes clear to her that the signs of nushooz are confirmed and he is turning away from her out of dislike for her and wishing to be away from her, then there is no sin upon either of them if the "work out terms of peace". This means that she me give up some of her due rights in order to stay in the marriage. For example, she may give up some of her rights to support, housing or equality of nights with other wives in order to remain under his protection and in the marriage. Or, she may give up some or all of her dowry in exchange for his divorcing her.
Ibn Abbas said: "Saudah feared that the Prophet (sas) was going to divorce her so she said to him, "O Messenger of Allah, do not divorce me but keep me and make my day for Aisha." The Prophet (sas) did so and the verse was revealed concerning that. Bukhari
'Umar said: "Whatever points they agree upon are permissible." Al-Baihaqiy
"Arbitration" (At-tahkeem) means to judge or decide a matter. Al-hakam (mentioned in the verse) is the one who has the right to make a ruling and decision for the two in dispute. The meaning of appointing arbitrators in this case is:
"The two disputing spouses appoint two men from their respective families to bring about accord between them and to settle their dispute."
The scholars have agreed that two arbitrators should be appointed if dissension occurs between the two spouses and it is not clear which of the two (if either) is committing nushooz or if both of them are wherein the husband refuses to keep his wife in a proper manner or to set her free in a good way and/or the wife refuses to fulfill her rights that Allah has imposed upon her toward her husband.
The jurists also agree that one of the arbitrators should be from the husband's family and the other from the wife's family if possible. If that is not possible, other people may be appointed depending on what is in the best interest of those concerned. They also agree that when in agreement are to execute what they see as the best opinion in bringing accord between the spouses. However, if they disagree, then their opinions are not to be executed.
If the two spouses are not able to come to some kind of agreement between themselves and separation seems to be looming, it is permissible for those in authority, a ruler or judge to appoint two men as arbitrators to see how they can bring about a reconciliation. This step is proven by the Qur'an, the Sunnah, consensus and sound reason. Allah said (verse cited earlier):
{Wa in khiftum shiqaaqa bainahumaa fab'athoo hakamaan min ahlihi wa hakaman min ahlihaa in yureedaa ishlaahan yuwaffiq Allahu bainahumaa. Inna Allaha kaana 'aleeman khabeeran.}
{And if you fear a separation between the two of them, appoint an arbitrator from his family and an arbitrator from her family. If they desire reconciliation, Allah will bring them into agreement. Verily Allah is Knowing, Knowledgeable.} An-Nisaa:35
From the Sunnah, there is a report recorded by Ash-Shaafi'iy in his book Al-Umm from Ubaidah As-Salmaani who said: "A man and woman came to Ali ibn Abi Talib and each of them had a group of people with them. Ali ordered them to appoint a male arbitrator from his family and one from her family. Then he said to the arbitrators: 'Do you know what your responsibilities are? If you find that you can bring them back together, then do so. If you find that they should be separated, then do so.' The woman said, 'I am pleased with the Book of Allah concerning what is upon me and what is for me.' The man said, 'As for separation, I will not accept that.' Ali told him, 'You are lying, by Allah, until you accept the same things she has accepted.'"